To every person out there using sentences like- “it affects men too”, “and not all men”; we hear you!
We’re here to acknowledge the deep-rooted patriarchal values within women for a change. Women sometimes do play an important part in spreading the already deep-rooted clutches of patriarchy in our society, and it’s fairly important to show you how.
First things first, let’s get a little familiar with the term used here. ’Patriarchial Bargain’, a term first used by Turkish author and researcher Deniz Kandiyoti in 1988 in an article where women basically uphold and even practice patriarchal norms accepting the very unequal gender roles in a bid to maximize their own power, safety, and options. This concept of bargaining systematically internalizes patriarchial ideologies and may bring in the short term benefits of making one’s life easier, but essentially reinforces the system of oppression. It has to be noted that caste, religion, and even class intersectionality plays an important role in this systematic oppression.
Are women really women's worst enemies? A widely accepted narrative on the internet tells you that it’s true (we did look the articles up so that you don’t have to). They basically enunciate that women are the worst; we gossip, we compare, we constantly try to compete with each other, we glower, we fight like cats - you get the gist. Just to be fair we also searched- “Are men really men’s worst enemies?”, and the first page that popped up said-’Why is feminism 'men’s worst enemy’? Diving deep into the topic we realize that women do not actually want to be each other’s ‘enemies’. We’ve been brought up in a society that taught us from an early age to compete with our own, to be more beautiful, more intelligent, more approachable; the wondrous world of patriarchy. Coming back to the topic at hand, as a widely acknowledged pattern, women inflict the same kind of injustice on another woman as inflicted on them previously. Sometimes, the notion that patriarchy is natural and inevitable plays a part in the bargaining system even unknowingly but it cannot be denied that it’s also a coping mechanism that a woman sometimes has to put up with in order to survive.
Some of the most iconic female villains were mostly mothers-in-law inducing torture on their ‘bahus’. It’s really common to see females bringing females down in movies, and follow these ‘inevitable’ standards of patriarchy. Mother’s telling their daughters to behave a certain way to maintain their ‘izzat’ (respect) in the society, neighborhood ‘aunties’ criticizing other female’s choices of clothes and male friends (note- can sometimes seem to be their sole purpose for existing), mother-in-laws torturing their daughters-in-law’s; basically an unending list of how women were and still are portrayed as the worst enemies of their own kind.
At the age of 7-8, my child self had made up her mind to not get married so that I could be exempted from my mother-in-law’s wrath which I thought was a standard way of treating a son’s wife (talk about lowered standards!). I was confused as to why women even bothered getting married when this was what they’d get. Little me couldn’t fathom as to why women acted against other women’s interests such viciously and basically violating the universal 'sisterhood code'.
Why then, do women turn into oppressors against other women whilst also being oppressed in the complex patriarchal division? Let’s take the previous example of mothers moral policing their daughters. If something goes wrong, mothers are the first ones to be reprimanded for their inadequate ‘mothering’ by the males in the family. And it’s true, right? We’re going to blame the mother and her upbringing. Even the supposed father is down to blame the mother if anything bad happens (Excuse me sir, are you not supposed to have a hand in your own child’s upbringing?). This is how the pattern comes into formation. Oh, the dilemma she faces between wanting to take a feminist stand but still wanting to be in the ‘good bahu’ books!
It literally makes sense that women, under the unequal power distribution system, would most likely want to retain whatever small remains of their authority. So, yes this ‘toxic femininity’ does exist. Can it be fixed? Yes. The very first step in bringing a change is recognizing that change needs to be made. Yes, patriarchy is at fault. Yes, we’re its victims. Yes, we can make an individual change (If you want to change the world, change yourself). It’s really easy to point out changes theoretically, but it’s practicality, really difficult to topple the patriarchy and its extended limbs. Still, let’s understand our self-worth and take control of our own lives. So let’s recognize and get rid of our inner judgments against fellow females. Fewer judgments, more room for acceptance and thus less room for bargaining with patriarchy.
References and Further Readings-
1)The Reality of Patriarchial Bargain
2) Bargaining with Patriarchy
Piece By-
Aarohi Chauhan
aarohichauhan2@gmail.com
Aarohi Chauhan is a student of Mathematics at the University of Delhi. She's surviving on her unhealthy amount of addiction to fiction and she thinks she overthinks a lot. Her areas of expertise include making bad jokes and she's often the only one laughing at them. She has a serious condition called -'has to pet every dog and cat I see'. A feminist by birth, she thinks she's finally found the perfect platform to reach out to her kind. Reach out if you're a dog/cat parent.
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